Cathartical Despondency: An essay in undesirable abstinence.


I would love to share with all of you the enjoyment and happiness that comes with having quit smoking only 4 short days ago.  Nothing would excite me more.  However, I can’t currently do that.  I can’t because there is no joy or happiness.  There is only fear and heartbreak.  As I sit here – wherever here might be – I can feel my body changing.  The nicotine is being expelled.  the physical dependency is being alleviated.  Yet, I feel anxious and alone.  The comfort that I had every time I lit up was nothing short of bliss.  And now, that bliss has been replaced with Cheez-its and pretzel sticks.

The decision to abstain was not made on a whim.  The thought had been bouncing relentlessly in my head for months.  A good friend suffered a massive heart attack.  Then my Mother died due to a heart related complication.  You could say that the decision was made for me.  However, just because loved ones had suffered; I had no intention of being a quitter.  I fought hard the urge to quit.  Yes, I am sensitive to peer pressure but I was not going to let a few misfortunes control my destiny.  But in the end the weight of all became too much of a burden.  So, I thought: what the hell!

Little did I know that I was unprepared for a seemingly uphill battle.  The headaches, the sleepless nights, the fatigue and irritability are all constant reminders that I just might be fighting for my life.  And though I may not be emotionally prepared for the fight, it is not my intention to leave this world just yet; not without kicking up a bit of dust before I go.

Peace!

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