I would love to share with all of you the enjoyment and happiness that comes with having quit smoking only 4 short days ago. Nothing would excite me more. However, I can’t currently do that. I can’t because there is no joy or happiness. There is only fear and heartbreak. As I sit here – wherever here might be – I can feel my body changing. The nicotine is being expelled. the physical dependency is being alleviated. Yet, I feel anxious and alone. The comfort that I had every time I lit up was nothing short of bliss. And now, that bliss has been replaced with Cheez-its and pretzel sticks.
The decision to abstain was not made on a whim. The thought had been bouncing relentlessly in my head for months. A good friend suffered a massive heart attack. Then my Mother died due to a heart related complication. You could say that the decision was made for me. However, just because loved ones had suffered; I had no intention of being a quitter. I fought hard the urge to quit. Yes, I am sensitive to peer pressure but I was not going to let a few misfortunes control my destiny. But in the end the weight of all became too much of a burden. So, I thought: what the hell!
Little did I know that I was unprepared for a seemingly uphill battle. The headaches, the sleepless nights, the fatigue and irritability are all constant reminders that I just might be fighting for my life. And though I may not be emotionally prepared for the fight, it is not my intention to leave this world just yet; not without kicking up a bit of dust before I go.