My name is Willie Gardner and I got a story to tell y’all. Not like one a them book stories, more like news an shit. Maybe I should call that news lady that’s on the TV all the time talkin bout shit that happens in all them other places. Ain’t nothin ever happen here. But just the other day it did, I tell ya. Jus two whole days ago, that’s 48 hours to you dumb folks, I was drivin down by the big farm out the other side of town when I had to pull the emergency break. The break pedal doesn’t work cause the car’s a piece a shit. A friggin frog fell out the sky an landed right on the friggin hood. I lost my shit! Another one smashed on the window of the car next to me and some dumb lady was screamin somethin fierce. There was hundreds of em.
First off, I don’t believe in no aliens. Let’s get that out the way right quick. But when them frogs were fallin outta the damn sky, I lost my shit. Some idiot said it was some kinda weather thing. No sir! Them frogs were real and fallin from the friggin sky! Aint no weather can do that. I jumped out the car and scooped five or six of em an threw em on the seat there. Whatcha gotta know is that these frogs here aint no normal reptiles. How do I know? Cause they friggin talk to me, that’s how I knows they aint no normal friggin frogs. The proof is there on the inside. Tommy Pistil came over last night an set about cuttin one open. Now, I aint what you call smart, but I know a real frog from an alien frog, an I’m tellin you for sure that these frogs are settin to work some kinda magic or somethin. Tommy grabbed a blade that I once used to peal somethin off my foot an set in to cuttin one open. Right down the friggin middle of it. He went to school an all so he’s knows all about frogs an shit. After he’d cut a big hole he showed me all the regular frog stuff like the guts an shit. He told me that it was a normal lookin frog. But the hell I say! That’s just what these frogs want us to be thinkin. If’n you was a frog from space, you’d be makin yourself look normal too. Tommy lost his shit an went inside to grab a beer. That’s when the friggin thing sat up and started in to speakin. I tell you right now. You don’t ever want to listen to frogs when they got that talkin shit goin on. Tommy came back out and I told him what was goin on with the dead frog and he laughed like he’d been listenin to one of them funny people on that you tube. I told him it was real and he fell back on a chair an opened his beer with his one tooth that points kinda outward like.
Ma came out an set about yellin somethin fierce. Why were we messin with all them frogs an shit? I told her they was from Pluto or some place like that an she lost her shit too. Everybody’s losin their shit over frogs that aint normal. I put the rest a them frogs in a shoe box my old man had left me in case any a them frogs fell outta the sky and I went inside. Aint nobody gonna tell me that sky frogs are like normal frogs. Now, I sleep like a baby or some shit like that. But that night I couldn’t sleep at all. I kep hearing that frog talk comin from the box, an there was a little shinin too like the moon had been in the box with em. I sat up an looked inside that box and you know what, those frogs were havin a meetin like they was plannin some evil shit. They was talkin to each other like they was in the army or some shit. I seen one a them army movies at the theater in town with Pearl weeks back. She didn’t like it at all but I was like, Damn! Them armies be tearin shit up! Them frogs all looked up at me with that froggy look and told me to go the fuck away. An you know what I did? I kicked them friggin frogs in the friggin teeth. Aint no sky frog gonna mess with my sleepin. No sir. It musta been a dream or some shit cause I woke up an them frogs were walkin around like they had some work to do or some shit.
Billy Wort come over cause he heard about the frogs. It was seemin like the whole town been goin ape shit bout them frogs and that got me thinkin. I could make a big mess a money with these friggin frogs. Billy started takin pictures with his old man’s camera. Story goes, he swiped it off his old man when he was sleepin bout a year ago. He sat up an started fixin into choking him an shit. I’m guessin there’s more to it but I aint rememberin it right. You gotta ask Billy bout that one. Anyways, when billy was takin them pictures, a man came round the house and started askin ma a mess a questions she didn’t know. He was askin her if’n she ever seen frogs fall out the sky and I was like shit ya I did! I told him about the frogs fallin out the sky an the box I got an the meetin they was havin. He got all excited like he was drugs like Mikey Pallet was when he got all that weed from the city. You’ll have to ask Mikey about that cause I don’t do no weed. That shit makes ya crazy.
I ran into the barn where I got my bed an shit an grabbed them frogs out the box and showd’em. An you know what that guy did? He took them frogs and took off for the woods. Like I was sayin before, I aint what them teachers be callin smart. But I gots me one a them advanced intellects. And I knows that you can’t take no sky frog alien into them woods. But I don’t think this guy knows that cause he ain’t from around here.
So I followed him into them woods. The guy threw them frogs into his pocket and he was runnin. I had to run to keep up with him but I was good whit all that cause I ran all the time when I was little. Morty and I used to chuck potatoes at cars when they’d pass the house. Sometimes we’d jump into the ditch an shit or we’d take off runnin. So I knows about runnin. An when the old man used to chase me out the house when I’d swipe his nudie books, I learnt all about runnin. Runnin aint just in them movies.
When he was runnin he tripped on a log and you know what? He dropped all them frogs and they went flyin an shit like they was birds. I tried catchin em but they know’d better than to hang with me. I was fixin in to cook em up and they know’d it. This guy that took em, he started in to cussin an shit an was awful mad. I was laughin an he got real crazy like and pulled out a pistol just like my pa and pointed it at my face. Told me to git so I did. I aint fixin to have my face shot off on account a no sky frog.
When I got back to the house, ma was actin real weird like. She was all dressed up like she was fixin to go to church er some shit like that. I know’d she aint been to church since pa got hit by that limo rollin through town while back. She told me that church was for God people, an God don’t hit no man with no limo. She was sittin in the truck like she was fixin to go somewhere but she can’t drive on account of that cancer in her head. That truck didn’t run anyways so when it started I jumped back and got out the way. When I got close to look in, you know what I saw? Sure as shit she had one a them frogs in her lap like she was carryin a frog purse er some shit like that. That frog was drivin that truck like he owned the sombitch. I aint never lied to no one, especially about no frog. This is some real shit right here. Tommy came over and gave me a cold one and I just sat there on the ground an shook my head. There aint no messin with no sky frog. No sir.