“Hey Kramer, you ever kill a man?”

I was informed by my doctor that Chantix can give you vivid dreams.  I’m not afraid of dreams – and even so, I was up for a challenge.  The idea, originally, was to quit smoking so isn’t a few extra trips through the subconscious worth it?  Yes.  So I took the stupid pills; day and night, waiting for the constant urge to alleviate, and waiting for the vivid dream I was promised.

The first week of pills offered no respite from smoking.  Nor did it offer any type of dream at all: vivid or not.  The second week of pills began and I was still smoking and dreamless.  Thursday however, I was feeling rather unwell.  I was gripped by a spell of fatigue and an upset stomach.  We had just bought a kitten and I believe it had place some kind of cat spell on me.  That evening I chose to go to bed early to perhaps get rid of the enduring malaise that was hanging around.

Once my head hit the pillow I immediately sat back up.  It was suddenly difficult to sleep with a giraffe grazing in my room.  Sitting atop the giraffe unfortunately was another giraffe only smaller.

“Get out of here!”  To my astonishment, it listened.  Down the stairs and out the front door it went.  And I was back in bed in no time.  Not too long after that, I must’ve been sleepwalking because I woke up in a treehouse with a number of ruffians gathered around me.  I was their leader in a capper of unknown outcome.  I was handed a weapon.  It was a knife but not the type one would think.  It was the shape of a bow tie, made out of a silver metal.  Possibly silver.  Without warning, I was whisked away by a flying camel with no hump whose name ironically was Sally.  This section had been a bit hazy.  I remember peeing.  Before too much longer I was back in the treehouse chasing a man who had committed some act of cruelty.  Once I had caught him, I inserted the bow tie into his throat.  It was over.

“Dispose of the body, boys.” I said to my entourage.  “I need to get some sleep.”

I climbed back into bed after what seemed like hours walking down a foggy side street.  But I couldn’t sleep, so I got back up again and went into the garage for a smoke.

I believe I’m going to discontinue my Chantix use.  I’m still smoking and the promise of a vivid dream has been unfulfilled.










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